Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and. And I wasnt even the primary care giver! It sounds like she may have lasting effects from her stroke (judgment issues, memory issues, etc) and who knows, maybe she has other issues as well. But hatred for ones spouse doesnt surface for no reason. No wonder she keeps herself in her room all day. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. This situation can make you hate your husband and wish you arent together. Marriage brings two individuals in love together. If you cant get past why you hate your husband so much, it may be time for you to seek the help of a marriage counselor. I dont think it would have done much if Id hit it, but still. Ridiculous. Still, it's important not to bad mouth or criticize your in-laws to your spouse. For my part, I simply cannot imagine living with either of my parents. And some of your concerns being naked? I agree that it is too much to handle, but her solution isnt the right one. I'm laying in bed with our baby and am shaking from anger. I am always kind and civil and I do ask my husband how she is from time to time but I do not contact her in any way. I think there are plenty of valid reasons grown children might choose to distance themselves from their former parents/ caregivers. No matter how busy life is, spouses should dedicate time to each other. Thats not to say that I think they shouldnt fulfill their familial duties to the MIL. The issue isnt about hating your partner. I wouldnt either (especially with her issues with falls and a newborn). Maybe next time fucking wait till you have your shit together? something random Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and save it from crumbling. I get that living there is hard for you. When you approach this you HAVE to have some empathy. But she married her husband and he comes with her mother. For instance, you can initiate revisiting where you first met each other or go on a vacation to a new place. Now maybe its just me, but I would think any woman would be absolutely thrilled to see her husband follow through with a promise, for better or worse, in sickness and in health. And I do think there is a contradiction on the part of the LW in accepting support but being unwilling to return it in kind. I will add that I dont think it is wise to buy a house she cant afford. April 1, 2017, 12:51 pm. February 24, 2017, 11:06 am. For those of you who have been raised by loving parents, even in difficult economic circumstances, this must seem like a no-brainer, a challenge but a sacrifice that any moral person should be willing to make. If not and he wants her in the same home, how can you make it a better environment? It sounds like the husband/son is dropping the ball and not fulfilling his promises to either party. . Is that right? Last night I screamed in frustration and agony from the stupidity of the argument and the overwhelming hurt and loneliness of my feelings. Understanding why you feel resentment in your marriage is the first step to understanding the full spectrum of emotions you harbor and deciding where your. Shes not bedridden, so while helping her with whatever is fine, there may be lots she can do for herself. LW, presumably your husband was fulfilling his promise sufficiently to take care of his mother before you all moved in with her so what steps can you take to get back to that status quo? Id look into a home health aide. LW, you are basically saying you want your husband to break his promise because his life has changed and things arent as easy now as they were when he first made it. Apparently she moved in with their dad when he left. Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram. June 18, 2015, 9:44 am. And I can just now stomach pineapple. They tend to be confrontational and hard headed. You might hate your husband because of the wrong ideas from dysfunctional relationship beliefs that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. Sometimes theyre just desperate to get out of their current situation without thought to what is actually the right best thing to do. I hate my husband. And she is still getting a free place to live and wants to continue getting a free place to live and not move out right now, until she gets a job. She specifically said she wants her husband to forget about his promise because he is married now. Even if youre overwhelmed and exhausted and hormonal and emotionally drained, the answer is still yeah, its wrong to abandon a loved one who needs care (especially when you no longer need anything from him/her) just because its inconvenient. Wow- LW sounds horrible and whiney, poor husband,he married his mother. She says he's lazy and stupid and selfish and all kinds of other things that just aren't true. That one could be real, it almost happened to me once (not while I was pregnant). Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and failed marriages. She certainly isn't. But she goes after him constantly, every conversation and every visit. Skyblossom Our first responsibility is ALWAYS to our minor children. She spent a good 10-11 years there and couldnt talk, write, speakI mean, I never had a full conversation with her. The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. June 18, 2015, 10:02 am. Lisa Marie Presley loved being a mother to her "cubs.". As for being totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition before they moved in? Love is what we expect in a marriage, so a dislike for our spouse makes us anxious and stressed. But who among us isn't? However, only attentive partners will care to ask what their partners think. I think it is time you all started looking into retirement community-type things. Strange, right? June 18, 2015, 5:10 pm. Because with or without LW and husband physically living in the house, mothers life doesnt sound so great, especially compounded by whatever lingering issues from the past stroke, etc. Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and, 7 Ways to Feel Better When Someone Hurts You, When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? This is not the right time to blame your husband, but to evaluate your actions in the past. From your original comment I wouldnt have known. Am I wrong for wanting my husband to break his promise to his mother that he made sooo long ago? One day, she and I were talking about how babies get hiccups and I told her I used to give my oldest a little bit of water and she suggested to give a bit of honey to coat the babys throat!!!! The thing is if she wasnt happy she should have moved out. That is for my DH to do since it is his mother. Sell my house Quickly; SELL YOUR HOME FAST; i hate my husband because of his mother. That's how the singer-songwriter who died Thursday at the age of 54 referred to her four children, daughters Riley, Finley and Harper . I want to point out how rich it is that LWs FIL is lecturing HER about broken promisesisnt he the one that married MIL and made a vow before God to take care of her in sickness and in health? June 18, 2015, 4:50 pm. Jeez, I think these responses are kind of harsh. However, things have changed now. She came into this house totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition, was totally unprepared to handle it, and her husband seemingly isnt on board with making changes (ie he wants to buy another house eventually and keep on living together). Check the following ways to stop hating your husband: The first step to stopping hating your husband is to know why. I think there is room for a grain of salt here in how we judge the LW. And I dont think the anger the commenters are feeling is inappropriate, either. Nicole Go right back to when you used to love your husband. Having a selfish husband means being stuck with stunted communication in your marriage. How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? We expect it to be a perfect partnership between two individuals in love who are ready to build a home. He avoids you or avoids being alone with you. While I can appreciate how stressed and overwhelmed she is, I absolutely think shes acting with a kind of entitlement and lack of compassion that needs to be called out. It happened to my cousins daughter, although she wasnt pregnant. As a result, you begin to project your fears on your husband and marriage. But, she couldnt because financially they needed her to provide a place to live. Hiring a maid or part time help. Addie Pray Being married doesnt mean you wont find others attractive. It sounds like LW did not know what she was signing up for when they moved in. She always signed my birthday cards, but it wasnt legible because she couldnt write. My apologies for my careless reading and commenting. Not true. Sometimes, we place immense expectations and responsibilities on our partners. You essentially resent your MIL for being elderly. Knowing the specific reasons can save your marriage, whether he stopped sending flowers or stopped going on regular dates. To begin with, when you hate your husband, it doesnt necessarily mean you have no feelings for them anymore. And personally, I think a little sympathy would be more helpful in getting her to think rationally and kindly about the situation than telling her shes being entitled and being a bad person. The challenge to my marriage. Research on narcissistic personality disorder would somewhat support this strategy. Fair enough. Sunshine Brite It was a rental property at the time so unfortunately we had to buy it and then wait a few months for the leases of the tenants to be up (and we provided them with help through a management company to find a new place), but it was totally worth it. Seeking more interesting shared activities is fine, but she may not be creating any desire on the LWs part to be in her company. I am leaving a different comment than the rest.I am on the lw side.It seems like the husband is not really taking that good care of his mother.Just being in the same house does not equal care.I bet most of the care is on the lw.She cannot handle that with being so pregnant and going to school so it looks to me the care this lady really is getting is lacking.First off why are the pee pads just sitting there?Hubby should be picking them up many times a day then scrubbing the floor each time.Why is her room gross?Hubby should be cleaning that daily also.Since he does not work he should be cleaning her whole house daily also.Her hygene is lacking?Hubby should be taking care of that too.I bet the lw does most of the work and is just very overwhelmed.I would not bring a newborn in to that situation right therebut then there is a very scary safety situation with mil wanting to pick up newborn and she falls alot.Then the germs this mil creates with her dirty ways.Hubby is not really taking care of her and I say this because if he really was none of thease things would even be a issue.It is time for the sake of mil being safe and looked after in the right way to be placed somewhere.Also for the baby to be safe.If hubby does not do that no matter how much you love him I would leave if I was her just to keep the baby safe.In the usa this lack of care would be called elder abuse and comes with a jail term.I worked in nurseing homes.Even with staff to help it was the hardest job I ever had. However, it doesnt always work like that. Be an adult, support yourself, and if you need help, accept it graciously and compassionately and dont look your gift horse in the mouth (i.e. something random Talk about sweet! to solve the problem. However, you should check yourself when you start, The Significance and Importance of Forgiveness in a Marriage, We think they have failed and hate them when they dont meet our. Was she not in touch with the woman? It could be sitting down with her and going over finances and researching programs she could apply for to help pay for this kind of care (and even contributing to that care if one is in a financial position to do so). I agree compassion is often the best tool when dealing with difficult people. We expect it to be a. between two individuals in love who are ready to build a home. It would be best to intensify your effort to draw your partner closer in marriage. Thank her for her suggestions and make your own decisions as a parent. She falls walking on a flat surface with nothing in her hands but she is super mad that my husband and I have made it clear that she will not be caring for the new baby or holding it while walking. While you can encourage your partner to change some behaviors, it is better to accept that his flaws will always be part of him. She didnt know what she was signing up for. But now honey under a year is considered a big no-no because of tiny spores which can be life-threatening. Clearly, she does not seem capable of living alone without some care. Steven Tyler is accused of sexually assaulting a 16-year-old girl in the '70s: 'Victim's' lawsuit claims she is the 'teen bride' in singer's memoir after he convinced her mom to grant him guardianship June 18, 2015, 12:13 pm. Ive noticed men are careless with how they leave things (even knives) on the counter. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3411865/, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/263492646_His_and_her_marriage_expectations_Determinants_and_consequences, https://www.nbcnews.com/better/pop-culture/how-thoughtful-communication-can-improve-your-marriage-according-divorce-attorney-ncna872661, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/226267616_Dysfunctional_relationship_beliefs_in_marital_conflict, What to do when you dont like your husband, 18 likely reasons why you hate your husband, 5 helpful ways to stop hating your husband, Spice up Your Day With Cute Relationship Memes for Your Partner, The Importance Of Maintaining Healthy Family Relationships, 35 Relationship Goals for Couples & Tips to Achieve Them, 25 Common Marriage Problems Faced by Couples & Their Solutions, 50+ Best Funny Marriage Advice: Finding Humor in Commitment, 50 Best Things to Talk About With Your Boyfriend. June 18, 2015, 10:40 am. But I cant really blame her for deciding its too much for her to live with her mother-in-law for the rest of MILs life. Life is unpredictable, and marriage is full of surprises. To pay for a home she would need to sell her house. Thankfully, this article has done a great job highlighting common reasons wives hate their husbands and what they can do. And even my husband loves having her nearby. Its really easy to theorize what it is like taking care of a wacko (through no fault of their own). 2. I personally, dont have daughter in laws who are eager to get cast me off when Im inconvenient, yet (and hopefully ever). I've always worked full time and he's only ever worked 15 to 20 hours. Im just saying the tone at which people are responding to the LW is off. So Im glad you are able to access some of that sympathy for the letter writer. This woman is living under a mountain of stress in pretty crappy circumstances with inadequate support. Yes, it is if he refuses to reciprocate the love and gesture. Learn what to do when you dont like your husband in the following: 13 Tips on What to Do if You Dislike Your Spouse, ? If a new spouse cannot accept that, in my humble opinion (IMHO as the new generation says), the relationship is doomed. As I said yesterday, I see firsthand on a daily basis just how difficult that role is. My story : . LW Ive been trying to come up with a compassionate response all morning. In essence, you can hate something or someone you love from time to time when things dont go your way. June 18, 2015, 10:57 am. Also, I dont really like my MIL. Put her in an elderly home already! What does it mean to. And honestly maybe not have a baby when you cant afford a place to live? Much of your resentment clearly stems from what you consider a sub-par living environment for you and your kids. I grew up in a family that didnt make the human body sinful or sexual in nonsexual situations. * May 9, 2022 by by June 18, 2015, 9:21 am, Haha, I thought the impaling comment was overly strange too, but in my mind presumed it was preggo hormones making her overreact. Many women want a reliable partner to effectively manage a home and a family. Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. Everyone has a unique personality encompassing behavior, core values, cultural beliefs, and morals. ChickenNugget I dunno. How? . She used to live with us and didnt treat me well. June 18, 2015, 10:49 am, honeybeenicki something random Since her husband has a medical discharge he may have been healthy when the baby was conceived, then injured and unable to function at the level necessary to stay in the military. Who the fuck cares? Theres a nicer way to present it. Now that you know why you hate your husband, it is best to know ways to stop it. Marriage doesnt mean you stopped treating your partner like you used to when you were courting. High moral principles. My point here is that stroke victims are greatly affected by even the most basic of things: cooking, cleaning, taking care of themselves, etc. However, a husband attached to his mother at the hip might be more of a problem. Her husband had cheated and understandably so, the wife was filled with rage and feelings of hatred. I havent cared for an in-law but I have lived with someone in hospice care who could no longer take care of themselves long term. You might dislike cohabiting with your husband because you dont see him as your friend. Taking responsibility can help resolve some of the tension between you and your partner. These people, who dont seem to give a shit about aging, ailing parents, are the worst! Hey, drama queen, I think you dropped your tiara. You probably hate him because he is flawed. He's "nice" and "helpful.". Aubrey Ray Wheres your compassion for that? Have you considered getting in home care, getting her into assisted living, ect. June 18, 2015, 10:57 am. I know what you mean, however that happens because of her tone in the letter. Much of the therapy I do with these particular patients involves forcing them to confront the deficits that they refuse to see in themselves since their strokes. If they moved in with his mom because they were always planning to buy a house with her and care for her and a medical discharge just pushed everything to happen faster, that is more understandable. Taken time to learn what the MILs issues really were and what kind of care she needed. But in a marriage, couples may often feel like they hate each other. Frankly, that is not my responsibility. Dear Wendy It sounds like they are all (MIL included) living in pretty shitty conditions. He's always asking my parents for money and they give to him. Now Im not reeling from yesterdays letter (I didnt have time) but as far as entitlement goes its one thing to think youve made an arrangement that is mutually beneficial for everyone involved, its another to realize youve signed on to be the tenet and care-taker for the landlord from hell for the next few decades. Start by making your husband aware of your feelings before taking other steps. Wow, well I do think this response is pretty harsh. They can come several times a week and help the MIL take a bath, wash her hair and change clothes. However, you will stop hating your husband when you acknowledge your role in the situation. Somewhere along the way, this influenced you to have a dysfunctional view on relationships. Is there any money that can be spent on outsourcing care for the mother? It wont make him change, and guess what? Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. Should I Tell My Boyfriend About My Debt?. It isnt such a big deal, but the way she mentions it its like she flipped out about it. If these things suddenly stop in marriage, you may hate your husband. It could be taking her to get her hair done, helping her clean up after her dog, doing yard work for her, etc. Plus, she has unhealthy hygiene (like, she only bathes once a week and sometimes does not wash her hands before putting them in shared food like chips or shredded cheese), and she lets her dog, who stays cooped up in her room all day, use puppy pads that she keeps until either my husband and I complain about the smell. In fact, someone else may be a far better option. Youll need to come up for a plan for the next ten years about how youll plan to continue to help your mother in law with her care, and what your game plan is as a family. Built in babysitter/dogsitter right next door! It sounds like the son wants to collect her money and provide the care himself. I agree with Wendy that caring for someone doesnt mean having to live with them and care for them yourself. We have been together for about 13 years, married for 3. Keeping a promise and caring for another these things sound great on paper. For a few weeks or months. TaraMonster But Im not going to act like shes an awful person for feeling that way because I probably would, too. If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. Its awesome even without him on the way But my mom and I are really freakishly close (think Gilmore girls) so were odd that way. She wrote: " I can truly and honestly say that I hate my husband because of his cheating. When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? Of course its not a good idea to leave knives sitting out, especially with a child in the home but even if she ran right into the blade of a loose knife, it would have just slid over or gotten knocked off the counter. We pay the majority of the bills, take care of the house, provide the groceries, and drive her to and from her appointments. Sorry, but is the MIL is that bad off, she belongs in a place where she can be looked after 24/7 and there senior citizen apartments that have such care that comes with them. Hate is a strong word. They feel they are just protecting their vulnerable child, with little awareness of the effect it has had on me and other sis. what were you doing on the counter?) If your husband is not able to be the caretaker for both the mother and the kids, is there anyone else in the family who can help out? All Im saying, a lot of this responses are piling on the LW and telling her to have sympathy for her MIL (which is true, she needs to find that and take on a more compassionate view of the situation) while at the same time being pretty unsympathetic to what the LW is going through. I own a duplex with my mom (she lives on one side, we live on the other) and I think that will come in handy years down the road when she needs care but wants to keep her independence. One such situation might make you say, I hate my husband. The first step to solving this problem is knowing why you cant see eye-to-eye with your spouse. I know its tempting to ask how the hell did LW get herself into this situation?, but the more important question is how to get out of it. I feel like we need to try harder to see all sides here. Now, my husband has medically retired from the Army and I am a full-time student and mom. If you listen to more of these unpleasant experiences or witness them, it may affect your perception of a healthy marriage. something random LOL about the almost impaled my pregnant belly on a knife comment. In my minds eye, she was, like jumping on the kitchen center island to demonstrate how to swim the butterfly or something. I dont hate my MIL but we will never be close. Like LW has to be held responsible for a promise her husband made in his youth before he had the life experience to understand the possible ramifications. All rights reserved. Also, with the balance issues there probably arent many activities MIL can do entirely independently, unless the house has had major adaptations to it (railing etc), and I am willing to bet that is not the case. Ive seen some wonderfully compassionate but at the same time get-your-shit-together blunt responses to folks who needed to be knocked upside the head multiple times, and Im not sure why those morons deserve the compassion but this lady does not. 3 Detrimental Effects of Lack of Communication in Marriage, Marriage Is Not About Your Happiness but Is About Compromise, The Importance of Date Night in a Marriage and Tips to Make It Happen, Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. June 18, 2015, 11:21 am. TaraMonster Your MIL sounds ill maybe mentally ill, in addition to suffering whatever lasting effects she has from her stroke. Why does he even get an opinion?The conversation that needs to happen here is between the LW and the husband. Tolerating what sounds like abusive behaviour from his mother is another. Possibly. Im with Wendy. Free housing! And if you cant afford your own place yet because you and your husband are both unemployed, then TOUGH SHIT. I have compassion for both LW and her MIL. Well, you need to stop that. Sometimes it is best to evaluate yourself before blaming your husband for how you feel about him. The husband has a responsibility to both children to keep them safe, and that includes not allowing his mother to harm them, even if unintentionally. The husband is a coward for not making his wife and kids a priority and the MIL is a mentally ill selfish bitch for expecting everyones life to stop and care for her 24/7. Talk to your husband about what he means by caring for her. Know that youre not alone in this struggle, there are support groups for family members of stroke victims (try an internet search) It might be worth checking them out to get ideas from others in your situation about what they have done for care of their relatives when problem solving deficits are leading to unsafe living conditions. I think it would be an act of compassion to carefully consider that other people may have their own reasons for having a completely different set of expectations for themselves regarding their parents/in-laws besides just being a bad son or daughter that doesnt care about a helpless elder. FWIW I wouldnt want to live with either of my parents either, or take on the role of caregiver. And not everyone wants to go around sharing their motives with the strangers of the world. (Right?) I walked around the corner into the kitchen and the knife was right there, almost touching me. Well, it turns out that his mom felt attacked. I loved this response! I just dont really feel that bad for her. The message would be the same, but the approach could be a lot different. by recognizing they are different from you through their opinions, experiences, and values. This is particularly if he cannot seem to function without his mother. I just cant believe you are perfectly fine using your MIL for a place to live now, when you need her but, youre unwilling to help when she needs you. Can your husband take over the majority of the care work for the children, including the baby, while also looking after his mother? Also, yeah it totally sucks that MIL had a stroke but having compassion doesnt mean that LW has to subject herself or her children to abuse and unsanitary living conditions. Like other things in life, it has its problems. There is a picture of myself and my grandma when I was about 4, so right after her stroke, and we are baking and placing M&Ms on some cookies about to go in the oven. Or maybe MIL stays put and letter writer moves somewhere close so her husband can put in an hour or two daily with MIL and letter writer goes a couple times a week. . Hes feeding her a line. Life is unpredictable, and marriage is full of surprises. Having worked with many stroke patients, the behaviour described sounds very typical. Seriously. The long-estranged FILs statement that the sons promise is the LWs promise is utter horseshit. to change some behaviors, it is better to accept that his flaws will always be part of him. Accept that he can never be the charming prince you see on the television. Just because he couldn't help it, it doesn't mean you are not angry that he had a stroke . Imagine how shocking it is to hear some wives say, I hate my husband so much. What could be the reason for this statement, and what can you do? This is why I love this site any arguements due to misreadings are address and moved on from quickly.
Skyrim Valthume 3 Vessels Location, Blue Cross Blue Shield Of Alabama Providers, Mark Johnson Meteorologist Biography, Mixology Class Dallas Date Night,